Why Self-Care Isn't Selfish When Trying to Conceive (And How to Actually Do It)

I spent the first few months of trying to conceive completely neglecting myself. Every decision I made was about optimizing my fertility. Every choice was filtered through "Is this good for getting pregnant?" I tracked everything obsessively. I said yes to every social obligation. I pushed through exhaustion. I ignored my own needs because I convinced myself that taking care of myself was somehow incompatible with preparing for a baby. I thought self-care was selfish when I should be focused on conception.

I was wrong. Here's what I learned: taking care of yourself isn't just compatible with trying to conceive—it's essential. Your wellness matters during this journey. Not just for your fertility, but for your mental health, your relationships, and your ability to actually enjoy your life instead of putting it on hold while you wait.

Why Wellness Matters During Your Fertility Journey Stress Affects Fertility (But Not How You Think).

You've probably heard the unhelpful advice to "just relax and it'll happen." That's not what I'm saying. You can't think your way into pregnancy, and stress alone doesn't prevent conception. But chronic, unmanaged stress does affect your body in real ways—your sleep, your hormones, your immune system, your mental health. Taking care of yourself isn't about eliminating all stress (impossible). It's about managing stress in healthy ways so it doesn't consume you.

You're Not Just a Vessel for a Future Baby. This might sound obvious, but it's easy to forget when you're trying to conceive: you are a whole person with needs, desires, and a life that matters—right now, not just when you become a mother. Your well-being doesn't suddenly become less important because you're preparing for a baby. In fact, it becomes more important. A depleted, exhausted, anxious version of you isn't better equipped to handle pregnancy and motherhood. A version of you that's taken care of herself—mentally, emotionally, physically—is.

Self-Care Models Healthy Behavior for Future Motherhood. If you can't prioritize yourself now, it'll be even harder once you have a baby demanding your attention 24/7. Practicing self-care during TTC is practice for the boundary-setting and self-preservation you'll desperately need as a mother. Learning to say no. Learning to rest without guilt. Learning to ask for help. Learning that your needs matter. These are skills, and you can start building them now.

What Self-Care Actually Looks Like During TTC

Self-care isn't just bubble baths and face masks (though those are nice too). Real self-care during your fertility journey looks like protecting yourself from unwanted commentary and pressure, taking mental breaks from the intensity of tracking and obsessing, and honoring your actual needs instead of pushing through constantly.

Setting boundaries around TTC conversations means you don't owe anyone updates on where you are in your cycle. You don't have to answer invasive questions about when you're having kids. You can say "that's private" and change the subject. Protecting yourself from unwanted commentary and pressure is self-care. If tracking your cycle has become all-consuming, you can take a cycle off.

If TTC forums are feeding your anxiety instead of helping, you can step away. If you need a month where you don't think about ovulation windows and just live your life—you can do that. Taking mental breaks from the intensity of TTC is not giving up. It's protecting your mental health.

You don't have to attend every baby shower. You don't have to host family gatherings when you're exhausted. You don't have to keep up with social obligations that leave you depleted. Saying no—without guilt, without over-explaining—is self-care.

Exercise during TTC isn't about optimizing fertility or achieving some perfect fitness level. It's about moving in ways that make you feel good. That reduce stress. That help you feel connected to your body instead of at war with it. For me, that looked like walks, gentle yoga, and dancing in my kitchen. Not punishing workouts or rigid exercise schedules.

Yes, nutrition matters for fertility. But eating shouldn't become another source of stress and restriction. Self-care is eating in a way that nourishes your body and also brings you joy. It's not feeling guilty about having pizza or dessert. It's rejecting the idea that you have to be "perfect" to deserve pregnancy.

If you're tired, rest. If you need a lazy Sunday on the couch, take it. If you need to go to bed early instead of being productive, do that. Rest isn't lazy. Rest is how your body heals and restores itself. And protecting your mental health might look like therapy or counseling, limiting time on social media when it triggers comparison, journaling to process your feelings, meditation or breathwork, or anything that helps you manage anxiety in healthy ways. Your mental health is not separate from your physical health. It's all connected.

The Guilt Around Self-Care During TTC

I know why self-care feels selfish when you're trying to conceive. You feel like everything should be about preparing for the baby. Like taking time for yourself is somehow taking away from your fertility efforts. You worry that if you're not constantly optimizing and sacrificing, you're not doing enough.

But here's the truth: running yourself into the ground doesn't make you more likely to conceive. It makes you more likely to burn out. And the guilt you feel about taking care of yourself? That's just internalized messaging that women's needs don't matter. That we're supposed to sacrifice endlessly without complaint. You can reject that messaging.

Self-Care Through Different Phases

During the two-week wait, self-care matters most and feels hardest to access. The anxiety of waiting, the obsessive symptom-spotting, the hope mixed with fear—it all intensifies. Self-care during the TWW might look like planning activities that distract you from obsessing, getting off Google and TTC forums, spending time with people who don't know you're in the TWW, reminding yourself that analyzing every feeling won't change the outcome, and being gentle with yourself about the anxiety.

When your period comes and another month has passed, self-care is crucial. Give yourself permission to feel disappointed without rushing to "stay positive," take a day to grieve if you need it, do something that brings you joy, lean on your support system, and be gentle with yourself. You don't have to immediately bounce back and try again.

If you've been trying for several months or longer, self-care becomes even more essential. This might include taking a break from actively trying if you need it, seeking support from a therapist, setting firmer boundaries with people who ask invasive questions, finding community with others on similar journeys, and remembering your life has value now, not just when you become pregnant.

Wellness During Early Pregnancy

Once you do get pregnant, the need for self-care doesn't stop—it intensifies. First trimester exhaustion is real. Morning sickness (all-day sickness) is brutal. The anxiety about the pregnancy is overwhelming. Self-care during early pregnancy might look like resting without guilt even if it means letting housework slide, eating whatever you can tolerate without judgment, setting boundaries with people who want to give advice, asking for help when you need it, and being gentle with yourself about the hard parts. The same principle applies: you matter. Your needs matter. Taking care of yourself isn't selfish—it's necessary.

Practical Self-Care Strategies That Actually Work

Self-care doesn't have to be elaborate or time-consuming. Small moments throughout your day can make a difference: five deep breaths when you feel anxious, a two-minute stretch break, drinking your coffee or tea without multitasking, stepping outside for fresh air, or putting your phone down for 10 minutes. These tiny acts add up.

Identify one to three things each week that help you feel grounded, and protect that time. For me, that's a long walk once a week, a phone call with a friend who gets it, and one evening with no TTC talk—just time with my partner. Figure out what your non-negotiables are, and actually schedule them.

Practice saying no to one thing each week that you don't actually want to do. No explanation needed. No guilt required. Just: "I can't make it, but thank you for thinking of me." Building this skill now will serve you forever.

Write down a list of things you're giving yourself explicit permission to do: "I have permission to rest when I'm tired. I have permission to skip social events. I have permission to not answer invasive questions. I have permission to take a break from tracking. I have permission to prioritize my mental health." Read it when guilt creeps in.

What I Wish I'd Known Earlier

Self-care during TTC isn't a luxury. It's not something to do if you have extra time or energy. It's essential maintenance for your mental health, your relationships, and your ability to navigate this journey without completely losing yourself.

I wasted months running myself into the ground, thinking that somehow my suffering would make me more deserving of pregnancy. It didn't. What actually helped was learning to take care of myself. To set boundaries. To rest. To acknowledge that my needs mattered. Not just for my fertility, but for my life.

You Deserve Wellness Now

Not when you get pregnant. Not when you become a mother. Now. Your wellness matters during this journey. Your mental health matters. Your peace matters. Taking care of yourself isn't taking away from your fertility efforts. It's supporting them. You don't have to sacrifice yourself on the altar of trying to conceive. You can prioritize your body, your mind, and your well-being—and still become a mother.

Your Complete Guide to TTC Wellness

If you're struggling to balance wellness and TTC preparation, I created a comprehensive guide that covers not just the physical side of preparing for pregnancy, but the mental, emotional, and relational wellness you need to thrive during this journey. **[Get the guide: What I Wish I Knew Before Getting Pregnant - $19]** Inside you'll find: how to manage TTC stress without letting it consume you, self-care strategies that actually fit into real life, setting boundaries to protect your mental health, what wellness actually looks like during fertility journey, how to prioritize yourself without guilt, emotional preparation for TTC and pregnancy, and relationship wellness during this transition.

This guide is about holistic wellness—mind, body, and spirit—not just hitting fertility benchmarks. Because you deserve to feel good during this journey, not just endure it.